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Published on 07/03/1995 All articles from this issue

By Bruce Dunvegan

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Imagine this scene from "Conagher," the Western movie (at your video store): Conagher has his sights set on Mrs. Teel, a widow, stubborn, brave and attractive with two lovable children.

She's lonely out there on the range in her sod house and writes poetry and ties it to tumbleweeds, which blow and roll South where Conagher is punching cows for an outfit.

He reads the notes he finds on the tumbleweed, and one day rides north. Using his own words he has "tumbleweed fever."

He helps the widow mend the fences, fix the roof and puts the ranch back in shape. Finally with a lot of hemming and hawing he mounts to leave. The silence is deadly ... finally he rides out alone and in a muttering yawl, says to himself, "Conagher, you're as dumb as a post."

As he rode away, leaving this beautiful helpless woman, who'd fly to his arms in a second, staring helplessly at sage and cedar, I must say Conagher put it mildly.

So brave and so gutless, the words just wouldn't come out, but think about it, Conagher and the Post, if you will, may have been a lot smarter than meets the eye.

But for most of us raising teen-agers these days, I often feel dumb as a post and maybe it's not just a feeling. For those of you who want to be on top and leading the dialogue, neither my remedy, nor Conagher's will work for you.

For the rest of us who desire to gain the wisdom of Senior Citizens, let me suggest the instincts of a survivor, who follow these simple rules.

1. Remember a post is only thought of as "dumb" not because it's inanimate but because it just stands there, silently, and plays dumb.

2. If it's a redwood post, it'll probably see everything, know everything and live a lot longer than we will.

3. The ability of the post to survive and live its life in simple happiness and peace is because it offers very little advice. Whoever heard of anyone listening to someone who is perceived to be "dumb as a post?"

4. The solution to lifelong tranquillity is therefore obvious.

To those of us who may have gained some wisdom from the foregoing, I might add the other caution Conagher offers: "Leave it alone," and "Let it die." There are those who may find these rules cowardly (and you may be right) and as well particularly offensive to the other gender. We are all familiar with the evening ritual at which time we're told, "Put your foot down," "Get some spine for a change," "It's time we got this out on the table," "We have to call it as we see it," "The problem is only going to get worse," "We can't go on like this," etc.etc.

Simple solution: Give her a sweet peck on the cheek, check out what's for dinner and retire mumbling as you go, "I'm dumb as a post."

Bruce Dunvegan is a longtime Los Altos resident and aspiring columnist whose true identity may be revealed at a later date.

By Bruce Dunvegan

Imagine this scene from "Conagher," the Western movie (at your video store): Conagher has his sights set on Mrs. Teel, a widow, stubborn, brave and attractive with two lovable children.

She's lonely out there on the range in her sod house and writes poetry and ties it to tumbleweeds, which blow and roll South where Conagher is punching cows for an outfit.

He reads the notes he finds on the tumbleweed, and one day rides north. Using his own words he has "tumbleweed fever."

He helps the widow mend the fences, fix the roof and puts the ranch back in shape. Finally with a lot of hemming and hawing he mounts to leave. The silence is deadly ... finally he rides out alone and in a muttering yawl, says to himself, "Conagher, you're as dumb as a post."

As he rode away, leaving this beautiful helpless woman, who'd fly to his arms in a second, staring helplessly at sage and cedar, I must say Conagher put it mildly.

So brave and so gutless, the words just wouldn't come out, but think about it, Conagher and the Post, if you will, may have been a lot smarter than meets the eye.

But for most of us raising teen-agers these days, I often feel dumb as a post and maybe it's not just a feeling. For those of you who want to be on top and leading the dialogue, neither my remedy, nor Conagher's will work for you.

For the rest of us who desire to gain the wisdom of Senior Citizens, let me suggest the instincts of a survivor, who follow these simple rules.

1. Remember a post is only thought of as "dumb" not because it's inanimate but because it just stands there, silently, and plays dumb.

2. If it's a redwood post, it'll probably see everything, know everything and live a lot longer than we will.

3. The ability of the post to survive and live its life in simple happiness and peace is because it offers very little advice. Whoever heard of anyone listening to someone who is perceived to be "dumb as a post?"

4. The solution to lifelong tranquillity is therefore obvious.

To those of us who may have gained some wisdom from the foregoing, I might add the other caution Conagher offers: "Leave it alone," and "Let it die." There are those who may find these rules cowardly (and you may be right) and as well particularly offensive to the other gender. We are all familiar with the evening ritual at which time we're told, "Put your foot down," "Get some spine for a change," "It's time we got this out on the table," "We have to call it as we see it," "The problem is only going to get worse," "We can't go on like this," etc.etc.

Simple solution: Give her a sweet peck on the cheek, check out what's for dinner and retire mumbling as you go, "I'm dumb as a post."

Bruce Dunvegan is a longtime Los Altos resident and aspiring columnist whose true identity may be revealed at a later date.

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