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Published on 08/14/1995 All articles from this issue

Dealing with Domestic Violence

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By Joanne Griffith Domingue / Town Crier Staff Writer

At one house a basketball net hangs from the garage roof. At another, the gardener plants orange marigolds along the front walk.

The women in these homes have two things in common. Each lives in Los Altos. And each is a victim of domestic violence.

The Los Altos Police reported 46 domestic violence calls in 1994. In Los Altos Hills, 11 were reported. In Santa Clara County, there were 8,704 calls.

Domestic violence is the leading cause of serious injury to women in the United States, more than rapes, auto accidents, and muggings combined. "Domestic violence is in affluent communities, too," said Suzanne Elwell, an attorney and director of the legal program at the Support Network for Battered Women in Mountain View.

In 1994 88 Los Altos women called the Support Network on its 24-hour crisis hot-line. Of these women, 25 came in for crisis counseling, and the Network helped six get restraining orders for protection from their batterers. Ninety-five percent of the abusers are men.

Meet Pam Butler. She lived in Los Altos Hills before she was married. She grew up in Palo Alto, was a cheerleader at Palo Alto High School and her parents have been happily married for 42 years. She's the girl next door who never saw a hand raised in anger.

October 1990 she got married.

"Just 1 1/2-months later he gave me a black eye," Butler said. "It made me upset because I had a black eye in all the Christmas pictures.

"Two days after Christmas he threw me across the bathroom, and I landed on my head and was unconscious."

Butler has skull injuries from two automobile accidents so she is especially vulnerable to head injuries.

And her husband knew it. He repeatedly knocked her or threw her on her head.

"I was afraid he was going to kill me," Butler said. Then he would promise he'd change. And Butler would take him back.

"It's hard to explain the forgiveness thing. You want to believe the other thing was a fluke."

Forgiveness is the third phase in the three parts of the cycle of violence, said David Lee, the director of community education with the Support Network.

"That's the honeymoon when the abuser is full of promises and presents."

In the first phase, tension builds. "It's like walking on eggshells, not knowing what might set off the abuser," he said.

Then comes the violent incident. Maybe she turned on the wrong light or left the medium-rare hamburger a little too pink. The incident ignites the abuser and later he apologizes.

"But unless someone changes behavior, the pattern begins again, the violence escalates and the cycle becomes shorter," Lee said.

Why women stay

Many reasons keep a woman from leaving an abuser, Elwell said.

Safety is a factor.

"My husband told me, 'If you divorce me I'll destroy you,'" said a Los Altos woman, Jane Doe, on the condition her name not be used. "I am still frightened for my life."

Doe is well educated, with undergraduate and graduate degrees from prestigious universities.

As many as 73 percent of emergency room visits by battered women occur after separation from the violent partner, reported the Santa Clara County Domestic Violence Council.

Practical reasons may keep a woman from leaving. She might not have access to any money if her husband controls the credit cards, and she might have children she needs to feed.

She probably loves the batterer and wants the violence to stop but not the relationship.

"It may take a long time of negotiation to realize that no matter what you do, the violence will continue," Elwell said.

Social concerns may stop a woman from leaving.

"I was too ashamed to tell my friends what was happening," Doe said.

It usually takes four to five attempts before a woman finally leaves.

"Everyday we're witnesses to courage as women decide to leave or stay away, even while their partner is saying, 'I love you, please stay, I'll do anything,'" Elwell said.

Restraining orders

Most 911 domestic violence calls come from neighbors who hear or children who see, said Marypat Panighetti, supervisor of adult probation for domestic violence cases in Santa Clara County.

The victim may get a temporary restraining order against the abuser, good for 21-25 days. Then she goes to court for a three-year restraining order.

Aug. 9, from 9 to 10:30 a.m., Commissioner Maryann Grilli heard 26 cases in the Santa Clara County Family Division of Superior Court where women sought three-year restraining orders.

"I have a tape on which Thomas threatens my life," Elizabeth told Grilli in court. "I'm learning it's not OK to be battered. He threw me up against a wall, he pulled my hair, he took the TV antenna and poked it in my face.

"I called police and Thomas said I was battering him."

Grilli asked Thomas if he threatened to kill Elizabeth.

"I may have said some things," he said, "but I never broke her wrists. I was getting frustrated that I couldn't get into my own apartment."

Grilli granted the three-year restraining order.

"We take domestic violence very seriously," Grilli said.

So does Rolanda Pierre Dixon.

"Domestic violence is a crime and is not to be tolerated at any time," she said. Dixon, an attorney with the Santa Clara County District Attorney's office, has run the domestic violence unit since 1990.

"But domestic violence will not take care of itself. It needs intervention - the criminal justice system-that's where criminal activity should be."

The District Attorney's office maintains a "no drop" policy regarding domestic violence charges. "We will not drop charges at the victim's request. If we did, that would be dismissing about 90 percent of the cases."

In 1994 in the county, the District Attorney filed 2,899 cases of domestic violence misdemeanors and 431 felonies.

Los Altos support

In Los Altos, cards containing information about domestic violence are distributed around town.

"We can't replenish them fast enough in Draegers," said Los Altos Police Chief Lucy Carlton.

"You don't deserve to be abused," the card states. It lists phone numbers to call for help as well as what to say to a friend who might be abused. The cards are available in other businesses in town.

"Boulanger carries them in all their stores," Carlton said. They are also on the counters in downtown pharmacies.

Jane Doe divorced her husband, but because children are involved and she and her ex-husband are both still in Los Altos, she continues to live in fear.

Pam Butler divorced her husband and filed charges. He is currently serving a 12-year prison sentence for eight felonies and three misdemeanors.

She, along with Carlton, now serves on the county Domestic Violence Council.

"I didn't do anything wrong," Butler said. "We shouldn't be ashamed. It's much harder to heal from something done to you by someone you love more than anyone in the world. It's too confusing."

For help, women can call 911 for police protection. They may also call the 24-hour crisis line at the Support Network in Mountain View, (415) 940-7855.