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Published on 09/18/1995 All articles from this issue

Living happily ever after

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By Joanne Griffith-Domingue / Town Crier Staff Writer

Love lessons from the very-married

At a time when one in two marriages ends in divorce, people are hungry for insights into a lifetime of love.

The book, "The Good Marriage: How and Why Love Lasts," by Judith Wallerstein sells out as fast as it comes into Heintzelman's Bookstore on State Street, said clerk Kate Brauner.

The Town Crier visited with three couples in Los Altos with long-term marriages, to see what wisdom they might have to pass onto others, to catch a peak at the internal life of a good marriage.

VIV AND TOM

Vivian and Tom Birch, Los Altos residents for 32 years, met on a blind date and just celebrated their 50th anniversary.

"Things clicked on that first date," she said.

"She was corn fed and good old American stock from Kansas," he said.

"He's kind, loving and funny. He is a gentle person," she said.

Tom was a career Navy man before he retired in 1964 and went to work for the California State Automobile Association. While their two children were small, he was gone for six to nine months at a time on aircraft carriers.

"It wasn't easy when we were separated for long periods of time," Viv said.

Tom said, "she was a wonderful mother for an absentee dad."

Viv believes in sitting down and talking things out. Tom said they never had any problems they couldn't handle.

"Life is too short to spend it without having a good time. I don't waste any time being angry," Tom said.

"I nag you sometimes," Viv said to Tom.

"I keep right on going," Tom said.

They don't go to bed angry at each other.

"She's got this nice, round bottom that's nice to cuddle up to."

"People say we're affectionate. We show our love for each other. I respect Tom and he respects me."

Tom shared their secret - the tweak.

Viv blushed.

They sign things with a heart, an X for a kiss, an 0 for a hug, and then a squiggly line. "You know," Tom smiled. "The tweak."

AILEEN AND GIL

"We give marriage a light touch," Aileen Morrison said. "We do silly things like leave a note in a sandwich or a dresser drawer, little notes that say, 'I love you.'"

She and her husband, Gil Morrison, both 84 and married 61 years, have been Los Altos residents since Gil retired from Univac (now Unisys) 21 years ago. They have two children and four grandchildren.

Aileen describes herself as a career volunteer.

"So as soon as Gil retired, I dragged him down to the volunteer bureau. I'd seen too many men sit around and drink and die. We were going to have none of that."

In 1993, they were the first couple to win the Los Altos Community Service Award. In its 32-year history, the honor has always gone to an individual.

Communication is important to Aileen. "Don't let it fester. And have a sense of humor, be friends and respect each other."

Gil confessed to one thing that bugged him.

"I like to go places early. She likes to go late."

"You're not supposed to go early," Aileen said.

"So I'll go out and sit in the car and honk."

Gil unfolded a piece of binder paper with their list of tips on marriage. Down at the bottom, in all capital letters, printed with a firm hand, he pointed: COMPROMISE.

BEA AND HAROLD

"She's got a halo," he said.

"He's a tease and a lot of fun," she said.

The Bottemillers, Bea, 89, and Harold, 93, have been married 70 years. They have five children, 19 grandchildren and 17 great-grandchildren. Their youngest child, their "baby", is 64.

"He's also steady, and he cooked breakfast while I was busy getting the kids up," Bea said.

Harold is a retired Baptist minister and the founder of Pilgrim Haven in Los Altos where they have lived for 21 years. When they were first married, Harold served a church in Oregon with 40 members. They lived in two rooms in the back of the church with no shower, no bath.

"So on Saturdays members invited us over to take showers," Harold said.

"My father owned a grocery store in Portland and once a month I drove the car my father gave me to Portland and loaded it up with food.

"Bea never complained. Only when we ran out of money and couldn't buy groceries and I had to call up my folks, " Harold said.

Bea chuckled. "I never went home to Mama.

"We enjoyed what we did together, nothing very fancy, picnics, barbecues, living a church life. We had a lot of good, homey fun. And we were romantic."

Harold kept his eye on reality. After Oregon they served a church in Merced.

"They couldn't pay us so a farmer gave us a cow, and I had to milk the cow to get our milk."

Bea said she'd do it again in a minute, spend 70 years of her life as a minister's wife.

"We never gave it a thought of separating," Harold said. "All I thought of was our work, and we did it together."

Judith Duque, a Los Altos resident and family therapist, suggests that an enduring marriage contains three ingredients: respect, communication and commitment.

"They should have a sense of humor, too," she said.