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Published on 10/09/1995 All articles from this issue

What to do when your husband retires

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By Esther Shields

Special to the Town Crier

If your husband is retiring ladies, don't think for a minute that you're retiring. That privilege belongs to your husband. Your life will change in many ways, so prepare yourself for his retirement.

Start talking to him months before retiring. There is plenty to discuss, and if you do, life will run much smoother later on. Setting the pattern early will lessen the confusion. It's fun to talk and dream about the big day, and you'll change your plans several times.

We had dreams of traveling after we sold our house. The furniture would be stored, and with no house, garden or worry, that would be an ideal time to go. It sounded wonderful to go to Europe, but we put it off. Please don't put off taking any trip. Time has a way of scooting by, then you are too old or your health isn't good. An often heard remark says, "I'm glad we took those trips, when we did."

Think your plans over carefully. You can't afford to take chances. If moving to a new location, be sure it's all that you want now and later. People push the thought of growing older to the back of their minds. Costly mistakes are made doing that. Think it out, or fall through the ice of despair.

I knew a couple who loved fishing. They sold their house, furniture and car, bought a big camper and were off to make their dreams come true. After two years, they were sick of fish and sick of being cooped up in a small space. Poof went their dreams and their marriage.

If you decide to stay where you are, one of your big problems is solved. Not having the expense of moving, buying new carpets, drapes and a washing machine and dryer helps the pocketbook. The social life doesn't change, the doctor doesn't change and that is for the good.

If you move, that's a different story. The first mistake I made was selling things I wouldn't need. Not much thought went into that. You can always sell them at the new place.

If you can afford a house that's big enough so your husband can have a room, then by all means, buy it. That room will pay off in a dozen different ways. It's a place for him to go and have privacy. Hang his mementos, sit in a old loved chair. Those rooms have special names, like "My Escape Hatch," "The Dog House" or "His Hideaway."

When you talk with your husband, let him realize the fact your work will increase. There are many ways he can lift some of the workload from your shoulders. Empty the dishwasher, clean the bathroom after using it, change the sheets. Small things, but they help.

When my husband started to use the vacuum, I bought him one that runs by guiding it. I wondered if he was hitting all the spots, so sneaky me, I dropped a few old ivy leaves and he soon caught on.

Some husbands try to tell you how to run the house. Pointing out a cobweb, even some dust. As you grow older your cleaning habits change. Your house doesn't have to be spotless and you can leave dirty dishes in the sink. Some men want to rearrange the kitchen, beware! It happened to a friend of mine, and she spent weeks trying to find her cooking utensils.

Learning how to make his own lunch is a big must. Women say, "I married him for better or worse, but not for lunch."

Does you husband have a hobby? It's just as important that you have an outlet, too. What you do doesn't matter, being active does. Being apart for hours, each doing their own thing, brings fresh air into your life, a different awareness.

Don't drop any activity that brings you enjoyment. If the phone has been a necessary item in your life, then don't give it up.

As for cooking all those years, make a change and go out more often. Have lighter meals, like soup and a sandwich. Occasionally have your main meal in a restaurant at noon, then just a snack later on. Anything to take the responsibility off your shoulders.

One girl told her husband, "The minute you retire, I stop cooking." Then he found a part-time job. As far as I'm concerned, I am turning in my apron. I've been cooking for 57 years and I've had it. Oh, I'm still cooking, because I like to eat.

The hardest thing I've had to cope with is sleeping late. It sounds nice when planning your husband's retirement- throwing the alarm clock away. We started the habit of staying in bed until nine, enjoying our snoozing. Then when we get up, everything is asking for attention. Get breakfast, do the wash, dust the furniture, make a few phone calls, it goes on and on. All that sleeping goes down the drain. I'm in a tizzy hurrying here and there. I used to have everything done by nine.

If I've heard it once, I've heard it dozens of times, "What will I do with him all day long?"

You talk it out, or go live with your children, which could be worse. But then, you might just learn to enjoy his retirement.

Esther Shields is an 85-year-old resident of The Forum in Cupertino.