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Published on 09/02/1996 All articles from this issue

Mother-in-law an unwelcome family addition

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Dear Jean: I hate my mother-in-law. My husband is her baby son and he runs home at the slightest fuss with me. I don't like her. She is a prissy and neatnick person and she is always having friends over. She is a manipulative social climber. I like quiet evenings alone. I even like it when my husband is away. I don't do friends and my own mother and I are not close. We both like it that way. Pheobe, I'll call her, always wants to plan our events, and then she gets disappointed when I ease her out.

I have a wonderful huge and hairy dog and she is always bringing her dog hair pick up brush with her to OUR HOUSE! I don't bring my dog to her house, but I wish she wouldn't try to make the rules at my house. Of course my baby husband won't speak up to her. Phoebe decides our holidays, our vacations (because we have to all go together, of course.) She is a maniac. Worst of all, when she phones and I answer she never says a word to me - just, "Can I speak to my adorable baby boy?"

Dear Wife: You've got some work to do - that is, if you want to keep your husband. The differences between your mother-in-law and you are tremendous! You are the introvert/extrovert couple and you seem to have very low needs for inclusion while your mother in law thrives on bringing people in. She must be very hurt and disappointed that she couldn't bring you in.

Some of the differences you have with your mom-in-law you will probably have with her son, or, at the least, he will sometimes want you to be more like her.

We crave what we know. What we are comfortable with! He may crave some of his mother traits from you. I know. Opposites attract..But, then they spend the rest of their lives trying to sell each other on the familiar traits we bring to the marriage.

It sounds like you are trying to just ease your husband away from his parents. It doesn't usually work

Instead, make some deals with her. Tell her honestly what you don't like and what you can't tolerate (the dog hair brush), and ask her to tell you what minimal behavior she needs from you. I think you could both move a little toward center and survive. And don't put son in between.

You work with his mom on this. It won't be easy, but you two are really the main players here in this tragedy.

Let each other know what you do like and what you could tolerate (I'll come to your party if you won't gush over me too much or ask me what I'm going to wear, and let us go home after three hours.)

Compromise works. It is necessary in this triangle. Poor husband. He is unequipped to defend you or her. That's the next step. When you have done a little clean up work first with the dear Pheobe.

Need advice? Write to Jean Hollands, chief executive officer of the Growth & Leadership Center in Mountain View. Address your letter to "Dear Jean," 1451 Grant Road, Suite 102, Mountain View 94040.