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Published on 06/02/1997 All articles from this issue

Leading a dog's life can be tough

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By Clyde Noel

A Side of Clyde

His name is Barney. He's a black Lab. People who know Barney often say, "If there is such a thing as reincarnation, I want to come back as a dog, and I want to be exactly like Barney."

Barney sleeps at the foot of our neighbor's bed. When Barney wants a dog biscuit, he goes to the closet where the dog biscuits are stored and gives one loud bark. Our neighbor, Bobbie, reaches in the closet and gives Barney a dog biscuit.

When Barney wants to go outside, he goes to the door and barks. Bobbie promptly opens the door. When Barney is outside and wants to come back in again, he barks and Bobbie rushes to the door.

"We'll never know how many puppies Barney has fathered," Bobby's husband, Jerry, said. "But it's a considerable number I am certain."

Los Altos is spread out, with an expressway that runs through the city, and a freeway that separates Los Altos from Los Altos Hills. Barney knows how to master the traffic.

"Barney has girlfriends in every portion of the city," Jerry explains, "not to mention a few that he visits in Los Altos Hills."

A man up in the Hills has two pit bulls that are known for their vicious, aggressive behavior. One of his pit bulls went into heat. One afternoon, after Bobby left Barney out, he took a stroll into the Hills and went calling on the pit bull.

He leaped over a small fence in which the pit bull was kept and proceeded to have his way with her. The pit bull owner saw what was happening, and attempted to run Barney away while he was still dancing with the pit bull and before Barney was able to put the pedal to the metal and scramble out of there.

Just to be certain he turned Barney away in time, he took his pit bull to a vet and had any possibility of his dog's subsequent pregnancy stopped.

He also went to the hardware store, bought more fence and wire and constructed what witnesses tell me was a barrier six feet tall in order to make certain there was not another incident such as the one that Barney was thinking about before.

Several days later, however, our hero returned to the home of the pit bull, scaled the fence with ease and took advantage of the pit bull's natural request to replenish the canine world. Barney's owner Jerry tells the rest:

"When the pit bull turned up pregnant, the owner knew that Barney was the one who came calling and climbed the fence. The pit bull owner called Jerry and was quite upset. He mentioned that he was calling city hall to make sure stray dogs like Barney were removed from city streets and put away before they increased the canine world out of proportion.

"I calmed him down though," Jerry said. "I suggested the union between a big black Lab like Barney and a pit bull might prove interesting."

The pit bull gave birth to seven puppies. They turned out to be calm, loving dogs with great leaping and fence climbing abilities. The girl dogs got their father's hot blood and are known to hang out in bars and talk to sailors. The boy dogs chase cute poodles with pink ribbons on their tails, and they all wear a collar that says, "Born to Raise Hell."

To put a cap on this story, Barney, Barbara and Jerry moved to the state of Washington this winter. Before they left I asked my friend Jerry, "Shouldn't you have Barney fixed?

"I know I should," he answered. "But I just can't bring myself to do that to ol' Barn. He may be a dog that strays, but I wouldn't want to stop him from having all those pleasant Los Altos memories. Besides, Barney's going into a new territory, and he's got a reputation to uphold."