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Published on 11/10/1997 All articles from this issue

Convention consistent with schools' goals?

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By Ingrid H. Tarien

I read, earlier this year, the article in the Town Crier about the possibility of the Los Altos School District being used as the model for the rest of California. I'm proud to be in the District - the outstanding teachers and curriculum, the quality of the leadership, the forward thinking vision, the very impressive PTA, and the incredible involvement on the part of the parents in the schools and in their children's education.

Among all the positive things that I have heard and felt, however, one thing continues to sorely poke me in the side. I am referring to the district's convention of addressing women with the courtesy titles of Mrs. and Miss almost exclusively (instead of Ms. or some comparably neutral substitute).

I have nothing against the formality, but am saddened that it has to be done in such a biased manner. In a most untrivial way, this is our children's possible first experience with the double standard: it is necessary to announce a woman's marital status before we even know her name.

But for men, whether they are married or not, is not relevant.

Although young children will not overtly pick up on the ramifications of this, they will remember it, and they will incorporate it into their experience, and that experience will help to shape their future views of themselves and of their world.

For older children it may have a more immediate impact.

Additionally, the convention doesn't seem consistent with the aims of the schools or the curriculum. Just as girls no longer exclusively take home economics while boys take shop, and as girls participate in athletics, and excel in math and science, we need to make sure also that they are not set apart in other ways.

Finding it necessary to announce a woman's marital status sets her apart from men, as this convention is not followed for men.

Changing this is no less important than changing the writing in our books (something we have already done) to include both "he" and "she" so that children can conjure up images of individuals of both genders when portrayed in particular activities or professions. Since marital status has nothing to do with teaching ability, social status, talent, or leadership abilities, the convention just has no real meaning in the current world.

Using Mrs. and Miss was, of course, perfectly appropriate some decades ago, when the titles were seen as simply respectful. It was a period when there still existed a number of women who went to college primarily to catch a man. Our mistake is simply that we have not sat down and made adjustments for today's world. The titles now have the potential to offend.

How do you address the growing number of married women who have not changed their names, as one of several potential examples; to address such women as "Mrs." would be to show no respect for the fact that they have chosen to keep their identity. The potential for mistakes and embarrassment is enormous, and a more neutral way of addressing women would help solve that problem.

There is only one question that we need to answer, and that is whether we want - today - to choose to teach our children that, quite arbitrarily, we expect something different from women than we do from men.

Industry, the university that I work in, preschools and businesses all seem to have adopted a more equitable way of addressing women, but the Mrs./Miss dichotomy still exists in the public school system, the very place where it is most important to change it.

We cannot change history, but we shouldn't make excuses for continuing to use conventions that are no longer appropriate.

Nobody, of course, should be forced to use Ms. or its equivalent if they truly prefer Mrs. or Miss. But at the very least, the choice should be presented and variety should prevail.

Los Altos is at the top, but it requires ever-present vigilance to remain at the top. Let us continue to prove our progressiveness and to take the lead. Let's move toward a more egalitarian addressing system when using courtesy titles!

Ingrid Tarien, a Los Altos resident, is a mother of three.