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Published on 12/22/1997 All articles from this issue

Santa and the gambler

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By Morton P. MacLeod

Other Voices

Via Polar Internet - Dec. 11, 1997, Santa, N.P. Com.

Gambler: Sorry to come on so strong Santa, but my children are very upset that you will not be coming down our chimney Christmas Eve, just because I'm a gambler and own a sports franchise, don't you think that is a blatant example of unfair discrimination?

Santa: Frankly sir, Santa has been discriminating for years. Whether it's unfair or not depends upon your choice between good and bad. We do have a very flexible redemption plan in the polar territory for naughty little children who cross the line and then learn the error of their ways. You qualify for the same treatment.

Rule 7 of the Polar Agreements clearly prohibits Santa from visiting the homes of little children where the head of the household is engaged in the business of gambling and sports. Santa's objectives are to reward all the good children on earth, because of their faith and dreams, needs and wishes. We implement these needs through the help of households who recognize and cherish these childhood dreams. Gambling and sports are a dangerous mixture of opposites which could destroy and frustrate the legitimate goals of young people in their pursuit of athletics in the world of sports where the purity of their skills and prowess is the sole determining factor in their success.

Professional gambling takes another tact - win by manipulating the factors and odds in favor of the house or the gambler. Oddsmakers are a anathema to sports, there is no "sport" in fact, no pure athletes, no contest, no winners, no happy children, victors because of their skills, desire and determination.

Hello - am I getting through to you?

Gambler: That's pure garbage. I'm engaged in the lawful business of gambling. I make money when and where I can, according to the law. Ask my lawyers, ask my friends, ask the athletes who play for me, I've been good for sports and I'm proud of my contribution to the game. My father taught me the rules of life and how to make a buck, it's all mine and I have a right to spend it where I want. Hey Santa, life is a gamble - every time you make a choice, you're gambling. Gambling is based on two ingredients: luck and the odds. What do you think these Lottos are all about, and they're lawful. No one forces anyone to gamble - they gamble because they want to win big and maybe they are lucky. So what gives you the right to even suggest that you're not visiting my children on Christmas?

Santa: I have very little hope for you, but I do worry about your children. My sources tell me they have been good. Let me make a suggestion - sell your stock in the sports franchise or give it to your sister. Resigning as chairman doesn't cut any ice with Santa.

Secondly, and this is not a requirement, tell your friend you want your money back because you don't want the casino anymore. Just admit it was all a mistake, bad luck if you will, and write off this caper, it goes with the territory. How do I know, maybe you've learned something daddy forgot to tell you.

I'm forbidden by rule 7b to wish you a merry Christmas, your being a gambler and all, but you're still young and there is always next year. How about if I wish the team a merry Christmas and best New Year's wishes for a victory in the Super Bowl?

Gambler: You're tough Santa - but thanks, I'll think about it.

Morton MacLeod is a Los Altos-based attorney and a periodic Town Crier contributor of satire not for the faint of heart.