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Published on 07/20/1998 All articles from this issue

Edison, stand aside: our top 10 local inventors

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By David MacKenzie

Commentary

This publication has had a history of selecting 10 citizens who, for one reason or another, were judged to be a notch or a head or a whisker superior to their peers.

In its Neanderthal days, the Town Crier held an annual "Ten Best Dressed Contest." Invariably, men who owned at least one tie were considered eligible. Judging then focused on whose tie had the least gravy stains.

And recently, this paper announced the names of 10 Los Altans judged to have been the most influential in each of the five decades since it began. Then another list, just the other day, of the "10 most powerful citizens of Los Altos." Will these curious and highly judgmental lists ever end?

Not quite. Today, we list 10 Los Altos inventors whose ideas bombed out. And now, the envelope if you please.

FIGURE 1: Demonstrating his invention is Los Altan Carter Sansabelt. He claims to have discovered a hair shampoo that effectively removes all stains from rugs and, at the same time, promotes the growth of luxurious hair. This double-duty product has got head honchos at Rogaine tearing out hair, according to the inventor's PR firm.

FIGURE 2: Homemaker and part-time Hooter waitress Mevina St. James has applied for a patent on a pan constructed to hold four banana halves for baking. A jealous neighbor claims the stupid pan clearly has "Marie Callender" stamped on the bottom. Her lawyers are reviewing options for an emotional damage complaint.

FIGURE 3: The situation: Using your car phone while driving has caused an accident. The irate driver of the other car exhibits road rage, ties you up and leaves you to die.

How to escape? Simply by carrying local inventor Ed Roundtree's handy "File-a-while." Several hours of concentrated effort should cut the rope and allow you to get back to the interrupted phone call. The inventor can be reached by calling www.mrs.murphy'schowder.com.

FIGURE 4: You have lunch in a restaurant. Upon leaving, have you ever wondered if your breath was over the .08 limit, unacceptable garlic breath, according to Miss Manners. Inventor Gaston "Gabby' Fensterwald says he has the solution with his garlic breath detector, illustrated. He'll be demonstrating the device in front of a local restaurant sometime soon.

FIGURE 5: Devoted bird watcher and inventor, Bella Abzug, demonstrates her patented Bird Calling Harp. "You'd be delighted with the many birds that respond to the music," she reports. When asked about the spear, she admits that if an edible variety comes calling, she may use it. "A girl has to eat," she reasoned, a remark that upset Los Altos Audubon members.

(Author's note: I know, I know. I promised you 10 inventors. Unfortunately, management needs extra space. However, if you'd like me to mail you illustrations and text on the other five inventors, please send me a SASE to the Town Crier, 138 Main St., Los Altos 94022. Refunds are not available if unsatisfied.)

Dave MacKenzie is co-founder of the Town Crier and a Los Altos Hills resident.