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Published on 08/03/1998 All articles from this issue

Listening is key to dealing with aloof adolescent

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By Judith S. Duque, LMFCC

Keys to Parenting

Question: My 14-year-old will not only not do his required summer reading for his new high school, he snarls at me when I even mention the word "school!"

Answer: I am so sorry (and sad) to write that these are probably not new behaviors in this family. This adolescent is obviously a reluctant student as well as a very, very discouraged young person. The hardest behavior to change is that of a discouraged person. By 14, adolescents have moved into a whole new way of reacting to their world. What they fear or don't like, they ignore, retreat from, or act out. Parental logic is lost on them. If you don't believe me, check the look in your son's eyes when you're talking to him. He's focused somewhere other than on you!

Key: Make a date with your son - when you can be very (very) cool. Ask "What's going on?" Notice the operative word is what, not why. The use of "why" forces the boy into his head to come up with a reason. Since there's no good reason for his behavior, don't go down that road. "What" opens up the possibilities. Perhaps there's a fear of the change to a new school, or a fear of never being good enough, so why try? A mom or dad with a listening ear and a quiet mouth can learn wondrous things.

Duque, a licensed marriage, family and child counselor, is in private practice in Mountain View. For information, call 568-7955.