Browse archives: 2007 | 2006 | 2005 | 2004 | 2003 | 2002 | 2001 | 2000 | 1999 | 1998 | 1997 | 1996 | 1995

Published on 08/24/1998 All articles from this issue

A lover's exit strategy: the Clinton and Cline affair

printer friendly version

By Morton P. MacLeod

Other Voices

All the Gucci shoe boys risking someone else's millions on high-tech investments here in Silicon Valley know the rules quite well - don't fall in love with these techy young airheads without an exit strategy - sooner rather than later, things can get complicated, not unlike the entanglements of romantic infatuations the president is very fond of. Add to this latter scenario a team of Sherlock Holmes look-alikes from Ken Starr's prosecutorial staff and you're in deep.

Guess what? Ken Starr's minions descended upon a local music store recently, armed with subpoenas calling for all the sales records of the Patsy Cline CD, "I Fall to Pieces," secretly sold to the White House in inordinate quantities over these past years.

For starters, we know from the sworn testimony of the president that Patsy Cline's "I Fall To Pieces" is his favorite song. Secondly, your reporter is informed by sources close to the FBI that they played this CD in secret sessions more than 100 times and concluded that there were significant admissions of wrongdoing and/or subornation of perjury spelled out quite clearly in the lyrics. Thirdly, highly reliable sources in Nashville suggest the lyrics were composed by unnamed country songwriters at the request of the Highway Patrol in Little Rock as part of their regular procurement duties. We don't have to jump into outer space to conclude that the lyrics were designed to function as a singing cover-up, a pledge of secrecy, admonition and restatement of the president's long-standing policy in such romantic trysts, of "Don't tell and I won't tell."

Just think for a moment. No fingerprints, no paper "talking points," no tears, no letters, no phone calls. Just mail the women the CD, "I Fall To Pieces," and it's over. Patsy Cline restates the president's position in affairs of the heart quite clearly. This has to go down by presidential historians as the greatest exit strategy since the failed strategy of Romeo and Juliet.

For you would-be lovers who may not have heard this song or who may not play this recording regularly, let me extract the relevant lyrics and refresh your memory as follows:

I fall to pieces each time I see you again.

You want me to act like we've never kissed.

You want me to forget and pretend we've never met.

I fall to pieces each time I hear your name.

You want me to find someone new to love, who'll love me the way you used to do.

You want me to be just your friend.

The president's message is clear (and cruel): Sayonara, bye-bye baby, adios, and please, you don't know me, we've never met, comprendo, don't throw your arms around me when we're on TV and get rid of the French beret and return to me my rose and my glove (Oklahoma).

While my expertise doesn't rely heavily upon musical critiques, I must say Patsy Cline's singing technique, composition and lyrics in and of itself, are superb, awesome and cool, and has to be classified as a key component in any Romeo's arsenal whether by the great Gatsby's, the high-techies, etc., in their romantic wars with the opposite sex.

As the lyrics suggest, this exit strategy is worth a shot, but you may be suborning perjury in the process - at least that's Starr's angle. At the very least, you, as always, can expect migraine attacks, incidental harassment litigation and the generally unflattering ego-frightening dialogue that is so often visited upon our young lovers when they fall part. Oh my, the trials and tribulations that Eve has brought down upon us innocents as part of God's great designs for us during our life on Earth. God could ease up on us a bit if he really wanted to - he can always subtract it from Heaven's storeroom of goodies when we pull off our final exit strategy.

Morton MacLeod is a Los Altos resident.