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Published on 10/05/1998 All articles from this issue

More for less in Los Altos Hills

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By Dave MacKenzie

Commentary

Once again, a group called the Los Altos Hills Civic Association appears to be backing two candidates running for council seats in the upcoming Hills election. But in the process, it is also famous for some delightful newsletters that have turned facts into fiction with displays of gutsy abandon. My warmest regards go to their spin doctor, who is able to operate major lobotomies on the truth.

And, once again, the Civic Association's chosen candidates seem to have one thing in common- resentment of the town's building codes, which they feel are too restrictive and cause a waste of time and money on their constituents - principally, the prospective home builders, land speculators and the like.

After only a brief look at what has happened to the landscape of our beloved hills, one sees that what is really needed are more restrictions. A lot more. The gem that was once our community is now marred by structures that depress one with their sheer size, lack of architectural taste or, more simply, lack of good taste. The town is fast becoming the conspicuous consumption center of California. What a comedown. Not many years ago, we were beloved for growing the world's best apricots.

Can this trend be stopped? Probably not, unless we have a 10-pointer on the Richter scale or a financial depression of a magnitude that makes the tearing down of mansions for firewood a sensible option.

Wishing neither of the above, we can at least make an attempt, however futile, to prevent further damage. To this end, I make the modest suggestion that all prospective home builders be required to answer, in full, the questionnaire printed below prior to appearing before the planning commission.

QUESTIONS FOR PROSPECTIVE HOME BUILDERS

1. Who will be drawing up your house plans? A. Professional architect? (Consult dictionary if not clear) B. Relative who took beginning draftsmanship at Pepperdine? C. Duplicating a home owned by Bugsy Segal in Las Vegas.

2. Will you have a statue of Rush Limbaugh on your front lawn? What size?

3. If your house is meant to resemble a medieval castle, how many turrets will it have? A drawbridge? Moat? Stocked with carp? Piranha?

4. If plans call for more than 14 bedrooms, would you be willing to have the homeless occupy any beds that, on hindsight, were not needed and remain unused? Such a gesture would help the town meet its affordable housing quota. Thank you.

5. If your son is prepping for a rock star career, will you feel it necessary to encourage him by building a stage and 400-seat recital hall below the servants' quarters?

6. Should your portfolio take a precipitous plunge, would you expect the town to grant permission for you to run a fruit and vegetable stand (next to the entry gates of your estate) in order to help meet your next mortgage payment?

7. How would you best describe your attitude toward your neighbors? A. Unless I respect the feelings of my neighbors, my house will never be a happy home. B. I paid big bucks for the land, and I can do what I want without interference from you, Buster. If B, have you sought counseling?

8. Have you ever voted for Ross Perot? Have you ever had your head examined?

Please write with style. Neatness counts. Thanks.