Commentary
Greetings to all of you who have anxiously waited 12 months for my annual predictions for the new year. It seemed like an eternity, didn't it?
I confess, however, that past predictions have been bummers with a batting average well below that of a baseball pitcher. Last year? Just one right out of 20 but about par for my professional peers in this soothsaying shill game. Yes, last year I predicted, correctly, that our fire department would warn of high fire danger for the summer season. So let's begin with a sure winner.
PREDICTION 1: The local fire department will warn us that this summer will be a year for extreme fire danger.
PREDICTION 2: Monica Lewinsky will marry the first American professional sumo wrestler, a lad who grew up in San Gabriel, Calif. At Eagle Rock high school, he was nicknamed "Chubber." At the wedding the bride, with the aid of a karaoke machine, he sang, "I've got my love to keep me warm." Minnesota Gov. Jesse "The Body" Ventura was best man.
PREDICTION 3: The Ladies' Literary League of Los Altos will choose "otiose" as its "Vocabulary Building Word of the Year." As an example, the ladies suggested that locals eager to climb the social ladder more rapidly rather than saying,"That kid next door is a real bum," choose, "That chap contiguous to our property seems always otiose. The League word for last year, "dear," was timely and extensively used by even the uneducated to describe local gas prices, houses, acreage and ingredients needed for completing Julia Childs' recipes such as filet de soles bonne femme, noisettes de porc aux pruneau, Spam® bourguignon and haggis w'nips.
PREDICTION 4: Bill Gates will win the Publishers' Clearing House Grand Prize of $31 million as advertised ad nauseam on TV. Rather than blubbering grateful thanks to his benefactors, as expected before camera crews, Bill will whine that his visitors have trampled on freshly planted beds of generic patented roses just purchased from Wal Mart. A lawsuit is likely.
PREDICTION 5: At last. Los Altos and Los Altos Hills will have rival gangs. One calls itself "Hoods from the Hills," the other, "The Flatfooted Flatlanders."
Both gangs bear gifts from doting parents, but similarities stop there. The Hoods prefer to hang out at Starbucks. The Flatlanders like slurping softies at Dairy Belle. The Hoods dress in clothes with logos from L.L. Bean. The Flats attire in wear from Eddie Bauer. So far no rumbles have been reported. But one police officer, who asked to remain anonymous, as he is often in disguise (Sgt. Bucky Blankenburg), said, "I caught one gang member shouting , 'So's your old man,' at a rival, but that was it." He continued," There's a lot of otiosity in the gangs and that breeds trouble."
Speaking of that, it's not like me to sit around pounding on a typewriter. It's hard work. Time for me to become otiose again for a few months. In the meantime, Happy New Year to you all.
Dave MacKenzie is co-founder of the Town Crier and a Los Altos Hills resident.