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Published on 03/01/1999 All articles from this issue

Next New Year's Eve: Kook's night out

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By Dave MacKenzie

Commentary

Paul Nyberg, genial Town Crier publisher, wrote a perspective in his paper a few weeks back titled, "Los Altos - get ready - millennium party plans progress." He reports that grant money has been given, an executive director appointed and an event organizing company engaged to handle logistics, caterers, headliner entertainment and tents.

My credentials at looking at life through skeptical spectacles are impeccable. Only crackpots believe aliens landed in New Mexico, believe in astrology, conspiracy theories, making gold from base metals or water from oil. However, I do believe in the Loch Ness monster, simply because I have indigent relatives who scratch out a living selling Nessie T-shirts and other junk to tourists.

As usual, I digress. Back to the 2K bash and some caveats. For starters, Los Altos and the Hills have an image problem. Outsiders may think of us as rich folk who live in Saddam-palace-sized mansions, drive Jags, Mercedes and Land Rovers, and spend all day reading the Wall Street Journal. How unfair. Shucks, we're just like you poor folk. Only we've got more money and enjoy flaunting it.

A suggestion to overcome this p.r. problem. Why not donate, say 500 free tickets to our party and give them to the less fortunate? Did I hear my trial balloon just pop? OK, another idea. Why are we celebrating and what are we celebrating? The last thousand was not the best of times for a lot of people: Inquisitions, burnings at the stake, ethnic cleansings, civil wars, the invention of weapons of mass destruction, to name a few negatives. And then, of course, many problems the Earth faces, most we caused, and we leave to other generations to solve: global warming, overpopulation, and closer to home , loss of our rural charms and the unsolved problem of illegal U-turns on Main Street. So rather than celebrate, why don't we just dress warmly New Year's Eve, meet downtown, gather around charcoal stoves to keep us warm, brown bag a dinner and just talk about what we can do to help some of the messes we made? Then homeward bound, safe, sound, sober.

The title of this piece was "Kook's Night Out." You can see it coming fueled by the media, champagne salesmen, tuxedo rental companies and makers of party balloons. It will be a wild night.

Computer crashings because of Y2K will be a minor matter. It's a night to crash parties, wait for spaceships or the end of the world, stress fire and police departments to the limit, arresting rowdies and drunks, putting out fires. The kooks will crowd our jails.

Curiously, old gonzo journalist, Hunter Thompson, had it right when he was quoted in a recent Time magazine: "The police department determines who whoops it up on New Year's Eve of '99 and who doesn't. Law enforcement wisdom anticipates chaos, curfews and riots. Criminals will run amuck, misinformed SWAT teams will attack the guilty and innocent alike. Professional advice says stay home, lock doors, douse lights don't answer the phone. Happy New Year."

My advice, too. Plus I'm renting for the evening a pit bull terrier, preferably with a criminal record. But once in a while, I'll train my binoculars on the top of Black Mountain just to see if any spaceships have come to pick up the mob I see up there waiting for a lift. I wish them well. You, too.