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Published on 06/30/1999 All articles from this issue

The 'Antique Roadshow' comes to Los Altos

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By Dave MacKenzie

Commentary

After stops in Chicago, New York and Los Angeles, the popular PBS program, "Antique Roadshow," came to our town. The appraisers were bused in from Chowchilla and met eager locals bearing treasures at the American Legion Hall on First Street. The place was jammed and several folk fainted from the crush. The following are excerpts from dialogues that ensued between treasure owners and appraisers.

APPRAISER: It looks like you brought an ordinary prune pit Where did you find it?

OWNER: I unearthed it digging a bobsled run on the hill behind my house. If you look closely you can see it has a likeness of President Millard Fillmore.

A That's a stretch. Unfortunately presidential kitsch is out of favor these days on the market. False teeth once said to be in the mouth of Washington fetched less than $200. Savvy collectors are into Beanie Babies, Barbie Dolls and stuff huckstered with every Disney film. A lady baked a tortilla that resembled the Lion King's rear end and got a cool $5,000 at auction. PRUNE VALUE: firewood.

A: You seem to have a tattered copy of an old newspaper with you. Some pages are stuck together. Peanut butter?

O: Could be, but this is an authentic copy of a 1949 Town Crier, and it's autographed by the publisher. Look, right under that ad for pickled pig knuckles.

A: The publisher's signature adds no value. In fact, he was highly unpopular and was about to be tarred and feathered and run out of town. He was lucky. The weather was cold and the tar could not be applied. AUTOGRAPHED COPY OF TOWN CRIER VALUE: Fire starter.

A: Where did you say these bones were found?

O: They were dug up by my grandfather near El Monte and O'Keefe Lane, he said.

A: These bones came from an Indian burial site. Are you aware of the penalties for possession? How about 10 years less good behavior. It's my obligation to call an officer. He'll handcuff you and do the booking. Here's a dime and a quarter. Call a lawyer as soon as you're fingerprinted. BONE VALUE: Nil. Legal fees facing owner: $20-30K.

A: Is that a model of a six-story house you brought to the show?

O: No, a motel, the exact replica of the original Motel 6, built and owned by my father He started the chain. In his memory I'm building it, full scale, on my Los Altos Hills acre.

A: Aren't there height restrictions in your area?

O: Not any more. New progressive blood on the town council did away with the planning commission and building codes. Sky's the limit. Bigger is better. Got it, flaunt it. Democracy at work. Hey, the guy next to me, he lives in the Titanic. Full size, 250 staterooms, four-and-a-half baths, 26 lifeboats. Foghorn goes on every 15 minutes. But he's angry at me. My place will cut off his view. Hard cheese, I say. When I have parties on my roof garden, me and the guests will throw our ice cubes on the poop deck and yell "Full speed astern! Ice floes ahead!" That should shut him up.

MODEL VALUE: Only if court cases ensue.

Space does not permit more than just a list of some items which brought gasps of envy from the crowd:

Kentucky Fried Chicken bucket autographed "Picasso, Los Altos, 1990," (possibly fake); dented can of tuna fish (in water) damaged in our '89 quake; first bag of cement manufactured by Permanente; penny squashed by last train through Los Altos; banana peel supposed to have caused Herbert Hoover a fall on a Los Altos visit; lunch pail carried to school by future senator, Alan Cranston of Los Altos; ice cream cone from famous Clint's Creamery of Los Altos.

NOTE: A special edition of the Road Show will be held next week at the Dallas Convention Center. It will be noted by the local chapter of the National Rifle Assoc. Youngsters are urged to bring their guns for appraisals and a check for accuracy.

Dave MacKenzie is co-founder of the Town Crier and a Los Altos Hills resident. He has been seen gazing into a crystal ball with Houdini's ghost and Dennis Rodman.