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Published on 08/18/1999 All articles from this issue

Reflections

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By Charlotte K. Jarmy

Why am I here?

From my title, you might think I was asking one of those great existential questions. Not to worry. I often find myself moving into my bedroom or the family room, and not only do I ask, "Why am I here?" I also ask, "What did I come in here to get?"

There are times when I visit Longs Drugs and struggle to recall the items I had planned to purchase. Sometimes there are only three.

At home, I can retrace my steps to the kitchen, and say, "Oh, yes, I need the clothes to take to the cleaner and need to find my car keys." But at Longs, I must do a mental check: antihistamines? cosmetics? aspirins? Actually, I rather enjoy wandering down the aisles searching for my elusive items. There are times I find the items I had forgotten the week before.

When I return home, Howard takes a look at the numerous bags I carry in and says with a sigh, "I thought you had only three items to buy." I just smile. He knows my shopping habits. He also shares the problem with memory. "Just write down what you need, honey."

I imagine that many of you reading this will laugh and say, "Me too!" It must happen because we have so much on our plates. As we add a year or two, the older items just slide off the plate. Yes? However, when my computer doesn't remember where I put an important document, I become truly incensed. What excuse does it have? It's only 6 or 7 years old!

The best way to kick your memory into compliance is to pull out several photo albums. Amazing memories come flooding back. There's baby Freddie in his stroller. But I have a nagging feeling that it's really baby Ronnie. I look with wistfulness at the smiling girl who poses so willingly on rooftops, at the beach or against a tree. I know her well - she never stops smiling.

Everywhere we drive in the Bay Area brings up people and places that were part of my life at some time. When we take our yearly vacation at Lake Tahoe this month, the memories will haunt my mind. I don't want them to disappear, for they defined my happiness some years ago.

When we are very young, the future stretches ahead, all wrapped up in the colors of the rainbow. As we mature, we tend to remain solidly in one time frame, growing, learning, loving and experiencing pain as well. Now it's the past that beckons to me in quiet moments and brings a slight smile as I move slowly through the many changes, some quite wonderful, some that hurt. I am so grateful for the present. The learning continues, the loving continues. I want to put my arms around life and hold tight.

So if I say, "What am I doing here?" in that simple, rather funny way, that's OK. In a complex, philosophical way, I have to admit that I am trying to slow down time in order to make every minute count. And that's what I wish for all of you.

Charlotte K. Jarmy , a Los Altos resident, supervises teachers at Stanford University and is a free-lance writer.