Browse archives: 2007 | 2006 | 2005 | 2004 | 2003 | 2002 | 2001 | 2000 | 1999 | 1998 | 1997 | 1996 | 1995

Published on 09/15/1999 All articles from this issue

The distracted mate syndrome and the plan for intervention

printer friendly version

By Jean Hollands

Jean on the Job

She reports to me: My CEO husband seems so distracted and distant. He is cranky and seems to want to pull away every time there is an opportunity to be close. He talks a lot about wanting "space" and he doesn't seem to look me straight in the eye anymore. He seems to light up when he talks about work or some of his colleagues, including some women who travel with the team. I should have more faith in him. He has always told the truth before, but I feel uneasy all the time. His meetings get longer and longer and the out of town trips always seem to come up so suddenly that he is never sure of which hotel he will be staying in. He gets very angry when I start to "interrogate" him, and then I feel foolish.

This corporate wife is not expressing her real doubts and concerns. Although her husband may be completely honorable, she still has a right to share her perceptions and to ask him for reassurance. She can tell him that she senses his job enthusiasm and wonders what she can do to pep up the home front.

Many women and men do not register their doubts with their spouses. This may be because they are actually afraid of the answer, so they say nothing, suffering silently inside. They become paralyzed that their fears may be accurate, so they remain frozen out of action. This denial happens because we all imagine that an outside admirer can begin the end of a relationship. The truth is that while it can be an ego-devastating event, distractions can also be a telltale sign that the marriage is in trouble. Often, however, because of outside distractions coming to the surface, a marriage rebirth can occur. Spouses can admit, "Yes, it is more fun at the office, where everyone thinks I'm wonderful and charming."

A marriage wake-up call like this may indicate immediate surgery, but not necessarily call for a complete transplant. Sometimes couples just need new topics to talk about - like how charming and wonderful each partner is, ignoring the usual discussions of the children, the household, the dog, etc.

If your spouse does not want to talk with you now, be patient. Start your own upgrading plans. Look at yourself, what you talk about at home, and begin the process of becoming a more interesting person. Waiting patiently is painful. Ultimatums are useless. Quick fixes don't work.

Work on yourself, your ego, your satisfaction in life, your attributes, your hobbies or career, your appearance, your quality of friends and the breadth of the interests you may bring to a relationship.

Don't give up.

Jean A. Hollands is CEO of the Growth & Leadership Center. Write to GLC, 1451 Grant Road, Mountain View, 94040.