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Published on 12/01/1999 All articles from this issue

A learning experience from a household item

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By Clyde Noel

A Side of Clyde

Life can be difficult at times, especially when it becomes a learning experience. After explaining what I wanted, the young lady who answered the phone at the bed and bath store said, "I'll connect you with someone in the bath department. They should be able to help you."

After explaining the problem, it became obvious they couldn't help so I called the Bathroom Doctor in San Jose. They said I had to be more specific with what I wanted. Yes, I did have a problem, but they couldn't help me and referred me to another supplier.

Actually it wasn't my problem - it was my daughter's. As a single woman who works 50-plus hours a week in Silicon Valley, there are household chores she doesn't have time to do and really needs help. She doesn't have a spouse on whom she can foist the problem, so it's an inviting, "Dad, can you help me?"

The problem was her toilet seat. While she was putting away a heavy object, it slipped and fell on the seat, splitting it.

Now everyone takes a toilet seat for granted and who cares where they come from? You just go down to the hardware store and get one.

My daughter isn't particular fussy on an item like this. She just asked for a toilet seat and took it home. Imagine her chagrin when, upon starting to attach the seat, she discovered it didn't fit.

The way she described it, the toilet had an elongated oval shape and her new white seat was round and the screws didn't fit.

After I agreed to assume the project, I took the seat back to the hardware store and to make matters worse, the store had a strict "no return" policy on toilet seats. My daughter had a useless white toilet seat on her hands and a still unsolved problem.

I called the Bathroom Doctor back and asked how many sizes and shapes of toilet seats they make. I started to think they come in square, rhomboid, octagonal and maybe even tetragonal shapes.

"Just two," she said. "Oblong and standard, and we only have them for display. You will have to go somewhere else."

Looking in the Yellow Pages and calling bathroom and fixture stores, I found most want to sell the entire toilet or they're contractors who want to do the entire bathroom.

I drove to a place I was sure they would stock toilet seats - Home Depot.

There on the wall, halfway down the plumbing fixtures department, beyond the faucets, fastened to two large sheets of plywood, were rows of toilet seats, both standard and oblong. They included scallop shell covers, swirls, padded covers, fuzzy covers and one with fake embroidered flowers.

I was in toilet seat paradise. There were stickers listed on each as either "stnd" or "oblng." However, another problem now existed. They bore an additional description: "Euro."

"What's a Euro?" I asked a store attendant walking past.

"Dunno," he said. "Never been to Europe."

I made a decision and I went with a green color to match the bathroom. After spending more than three hours on the learning experience, and three minutes finishing the household chore, I went home.

I didn't sit on it or try it out, but then as long as a toilet seat fits and it doesn't wriggle around when you're in a hurry, it doesn't really matter. Does it?

Clyde Noel is a longtime contributor to the Town Crier.