From the mean streets of Loyola Corners to the defiant turrets of Altamont Road, Los Altos Hills residents face the cruel uncertainties of Y2K. Will the lights go Out? Will it be Armageddon in the foothills? Judgment Day? Special assessments? What if your neighbor subdivides?
Get ready:
Fill Jacuzzi with pinot grigio.
Have materials on hand to skirt planning restrictions, such as tree removals or building codes, should Town Hall enforcement break down completely.
Check with Starbucks to see if latte' can be fresh-frozen.
Gas up the Blazer, Escalade, Suburban, Excursion, Expedition, Envoy, Jimmy, Savana, Yukon, Denali, Passport, QX-4, Amigo, Rodeo, Trooper, Cherokee, Navigator, ML 430, Mountaineer, Montero, Pathfinder, Bravada, Land Cruiser, and Range Rover.
Read books about people who have survived on short rations. See if many did it by eating shoe leather. Check L.L. Bean catalog for fashionable boots to gnaw on at Hills black-tie affairs.
Call folks in Roswell, N.M., who have had dealings with aliens arriving by UFO. Ask if aliens accept American Express Corporate cards, and do they have agreements with United for frequent-flier miles.
Go to Los Angeles. If the world comes to an end, you won't be able to tell the difference.
Ask Town Council to pass an ordinance forbidding Y2K cults from choosing the Hills for their farewell acts. State your concern that these acts might not be suitable for children's viewing. Even worse will be the crowds of morbid curiosity seekers causing traffic jams and lowering property values.
Demonstrate on your neighbor some proctological uses for his leaf blower.
Make a trade at the dog pound: your golden retriever for a pit bull with a criminal record. Dog should be able to deal fearlessly with starving neighbors who are not Y2K prepared.
Cast an absentee ballot for Ronald Reagan.
Get God on the cell phone. Renegotiate the Ten Commandments, then confess sins. While you're at it, ask if there's time left for one more startup: Absolution.com. If so, put God under nondisclosure.
Editor's note: Bill Blankenburg was editor of this paper from 1958 to 1964. David MacKenzie was founding publisher and has been annoying the locals ever since. Both are now unemployed.
Special note to psychiatrists: In composing this piece, Blankenburg used only the left side of his brain, and MacKenzie the right side of his brain, which he hopes does not affect his Democratic leanings.